Molinda Goforth

Helping You Prosper!

When God Says No and I Say Yes

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Starting My Trip

Recently, I heard 3 adults raise the tone of their voice  and say to little people:  “Listen to me.”

Oh, I bet you have heard that conversation too – “Listen to me.You aren’t listening. Did you hear what I said?” Perhaps it continues like this, “I said no.  Why did you do that when I told you not too?  I heard you and the Answer is No! Why? Because I said so and if you continue you will be in trouble.”

“Your behavior isn’t acceptable.  I said NO! I mean it.”

How many times have I heard this dialogue?  How many times have I been a participant?

My trip was going to happen. I did my goals, made a plan and worked the  plan. I wasn’t listening to anyone!

Some problems had not been addressed. I thought I can fix my problems when I arrive. So, I packed them in the car to travel.  I told everyone close to me… anywhere in Tennessee will be fine.

This is how the No chapter started and began its decent.

God, Are you Silently Speaking?

I felt hesitation from the Spirit in my soul and ignored it.  My sister-in-law agreed to fly to Montana and take the 2200 mile drive with me.  I planned and packed every day. We would leave on the 13th.

I know God was trying to get my attention when focusing seemed impossible.  I felt guilty and looked around to see if I had done something wrong. I had employment in Tennessee. I had a promise of an available house. I had constantly expressed the wish to be there.

Something felt Wrong. Have you ever had those feelings?

Two days before the trip a winter storm warning was issued.  Six inches of snow was predicted along with dangerous winds.  I sent the weather map to my sister- in- law. She canceled her flight.  Oops, now I needed to drive alone. No problem I have driven this 3 times…why was I doused with dread?

God did not coin the word Dread.  Dread is closely related to Fear.

Fear Does Not come From God

Is it true God is interested in our everyday activities?  Does he really care and try to communicate when we procrastinate or make a decision not in our best interest?

When a child rebels against  parental instruction, there are consequences.  When God says no and we don’t listen there will be consequences.

Travel Time

I fully intended to meet my goal, so continued with MY plan and started my trip.  Pulling out of the drive, the tears started and wouldn’t stop. About 100 miles down the road I pulled over called my son to hear a human voice say, “Why don’t you come back?”  I turned that car around and my spirit soared.

Hello, God, I hear you. I sang all the way home.

Is Gods’ No forever? I believe he answers Yes, No or Wait.  I am in the waiting zone.  I am sure I will return to the South and I believe I know the general date.

How does God speak?

God was loud and clear when the living accommodations were no longer available.

He  tone was loud, visual and an astounding No when the National Weather Service issued  a winter storm warning. My sister-in-law said No. The storm did not come.

I promised God I will be debt free.  Most of this trip would have been on credit.  (Yikes, I didn’t need to ask …I know his Word says According to Proverbs 22:7 (NIV), “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender.” Starting my trip as a Slave wasn’t wise.  When I turned to come back this scripture came to mind.  One problem packed in the trunk was money.  I need to earn some to make for this trip.

Influence

My dad was driving an 18 wheeler when he composed a song…He had just driven his rig to the top of a mountain and pulled to the side. The fog was heavy. Visability was almost zero. He pulled the rig to the side of the road, thinking he remembered the space allowed.  While waiting for the fog to clear a song came to him.

Song

“I was on the downward road, the fog was Heavy and so was my load, something spoke to me and said, repent of your sins and your load I’ll  bear.   Let the Lord come in.

The Lord came in, I had no fear, the fog was gone and the road was clear. Since that day and since that hour, I  can feel His holy power. I let the Lord come in.

The part not in the song……His heart was pounding, he felt fear. he pulled over to accept God.  From his story, immediately, the fog cleared.  When the road was clear, he got out to see how far off the road he had parked. His tires were on the edge of a cliff…one that had claimed many truckers lives as they went over!  I learned this song from him when I was little . I wrote the music for it and as a family we sang it whenever we were together.

When God says No…heed His instructions. When we say Yes and God says No does he love us?   God loves us all the time.Given free choice we make a decision and the results may not be in our best interest.  God is polite.  He doesn’t interrupt us when we speak. He pays attention.  Does he speak to us? In his Word the scripture says —

“Call unto Me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.” Jeremiah 33:3.

I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. Psalms 119: 105.

He speaks through the written word in the Bible. I believe he speaks through our circumstances.

I am a spontaneous person.  In the future I want to add restraint and take time to ask God’s advice before making goals and setting plans in place. Do I wonder how the trip would have ended?  Of course.  I felt awful to call and say I cannot accept the job you offered.  I disappointed many friends.

My granddaughter experienced the sadness of saying farewell.  All would have been avoided if I had listened first to the No Credit allowed and made my decision.  Along the way came the  other messages.

I hear the sound of distant drums
Far away, far away
And if they call for me to come
Then I must go….. For now,

I will be content in Montana, until I hear His call.  I had not planned to post until May 13th.  A girl can change her mind you know, and I feel  a heavy urge to share…and to ask

What have you done when God said No and You said Yes?

How about we…. adhere to   3 John 1:2  Beloved, I desire that in all things thou shouldest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospers.

Much love,

Molinda Sue

Spring Rain

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Recalling the smell of spring rain……  When I was a little girl, we attended many Pentecostal churches where they sang this song.    Many nights, I would fall asleep in my bed with the window open a breeze blowing and rain falling.  That would have been spring time!

It has been raining in Billings, Montana for the past couple of days.  Somehow the aroma of the rain in the hills of Kentucky isn’t here!

I am thinking of home in the South!  Do you have childhood memories that float through sometimes?

Tomorrow, I will post the recap of why my trip to Kentucky and Tennessee did not happen earlier this month!

For today, let us

go forth and prosper

Molinda Sue

Every Day Is Mothers Day

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Mothers Day- Who Was Nell

Sunday, Mothers Day, 2018

 

It’s Mothers Day…officially declared and on the calendar. It’s a retail hay- day  featuring stores stocked with fashion, food and flowers.  My head is stuffed with memories.  I miss my Mother today.  The tears flow.

If I could call her, she would say, “do something special for your boys.  Cook for them.  Be sure they have a little money.”

Shortly before she died, Nell asked my mother in law to look out for Kris.  He was the only one home with me.  She said, ” be sure he has a little money all the time.  Molinda may forget and a boy needs some money.”

Birdie, my mother in law promised to watch over us.  She did, until she died.

Nell was a bottle of glue.  She held the related family together in the palm of her hand.

With 3 brothers and 7 sisters, she had a handful.

Nell had a personal relationship with God.  Notice, I did not say a formal education about God…she had a personal relationship. I didn’t always understand her relationship. Sometimes I resented it …sometimes I thought she didn’t  understand boundaries did not need to be so tight.

She took the parts of the Bible she read literally.  Sins included, make up, hair cuts, pants, dancing, movies, comic books, secular music, ballgames, everything fun.  For me, that was hell. I couldn’t have friends because I wasn’t allowed to do most of the innocent things they did.  Much later in life, she realized the power of Grace and that she had been too “strict” with me.

On the other hand, I do believe it was her intercession with God that kept me alive.  My Mother prayed, hours and hours every day.  I lived life a bit like a sea saw….sometimes being good and sometimes very bad.  When I needed help, I called her to pray.

Sick?  Call Nell.  She would pray and most of the time you would get better.  It was that relationship she had with God!

She loved horses.  I saw a picture of her riding bareback standing up….yeah, Nell.  Daddy always said she was afraid of everything. I never saw him ride a horse much less riding one standing up.

Stories of her in her teen age years were colorful and more fun than the line walking Pentecostal woman I called Mother. I made my choice to emulate her rebellious youth!

One snare…she taught me what she knew about God…in simple language….when you let Him in your Heart he goes everywhere.When you sin, He’s right there in the form of a conscience that saying this is Wrong.  Unfortunately, I had to try everything she told me not to do just to make sure she was right.  Most of the time she was.

She loved Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor..  I decided very young Elizabeth Taylor would be my mentor…I did follow her path for marriages.

Nell Was My Mother

Nell died many years ago. Nell Was my Mother.  I never called her Mommy.  Recently, I realize the closeness the word Mommy generates when I hear my two granddaughters refer to their Mommy.  Nell rescued me from a hospital when I was 3 months old and adopted me when I was 13.

She lives in my heart and memories.

Nell taught me t0 have a Relationship with God.  Talk to Him daily.

  1. Be honest.  Never Steal.

  2. Respect your elders.

  3. Love your enemies. Pray for them and heap coals of fire on them.

  4. Keep a Clean House.

  5. Press your clothes and mend them.

  6. You are the best.  Remember, you are blessed and can  make money  sitting on a rock! God is your Source.

She asked me to read the Bible Daily and to memorize scripture. Sometimes when a scripture comes to my mind I know it because she taught me.

A juvenile diabetic at the age of 13 when insulin was experimental, Nell lived with the threat it could steal her life.  She died at 74 totally whole, not overweight, had all of her natural teeth, her eye site and totally competent.  God is good.  Her prayer had been to live to see me grown.

I was grown and married at 17.  My son was born when I was 18. I became a Mother.  Nell was a Grandmother! I wish I had been a better daughter. I wish I had been a better mother. Fact is, I was good as I could be at the time.

Nell was and is  my Mother…I loved you then, I love you more now.  Happy Mothers Day. Please intercede with God for me.  I am a work in progress!  Until I see you again, I will

go forth & prosper

Molinda Sue

Identify..Someday Someway Somehow

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Identify, Your Someday, Someway, Somehow

  Why did I wait so long?

I feel numb inside…..for 3 years I have made statements each week…I am going to Tennessee,  going to get my stuff…going to move….going to …someday, someway, somehow.

I told myself this story.  I don’t have enough money. I can’t drive because of the weather.  I can’t leave Eliana. I can’t do the work I did before because of my foot.  The last statement is sprinkled with truth.

I don’t want to leave Eliana.  There are others here I love and will miss.  Eliana is a special blessing for me. It hurts to go.  It hurts more to stay.

Is your life what you want it to be?  What is your story?

Is it full of Joy? Are unhappy and can’t change anything?  Would you be proud to tell your story? If so, tell it.  If not, be like me and rewrite it!

This Friday is my Someday. My Somehow, is a planned  Southern Route and installed weather app in my phone. My Someway, is supported by love, a commitment to my Sister in Law, whom I have known and loved for over 30 years. When she heard my pitiful story, she refused to play at my party and is coming to keep me company on the ride.

Update – A Winter Storm Warning was issued Tuesday  calling for 6 to 10 inches of snow.  My Sister in Law cancelled her flight.  I will be driving solo and now plan to leave Monday morning.  it is a 3 day drive.

In addition to people I love, I will miss the little zoo outback, populated with Deer, Bunnies, Squirrels and Ducks.

My story is condensed into 3 lines!   Three years summarized into three written lines!

How will I tell my new story?  It depends on how I paint my canvas.  I will paint it with the colors of Love! I will write many statements proclaiming  …I can. My story will be filled joy, peace, achievement and prosperity as my soul prospers.

My soul is healed.  I am going about my Father’s assignment.

My present chapters in Tennessee are filled with some sadness, procrastination of things I should have done, would have done…and Oh, excuse me, without fear I am doing!

I will take a sabbatical from this blog for a month starting Friday, April 13th.  I will post again Mother’s Day and the anniversary date for my marriage to my son’s Dad….May 13th!

In the meantime, I will  write the first chapter of my current story. Some video’s along the way will color my canvas!  You May follow on Instagram for the pictures. View the video’s on You Tube.  Email me if you wish.

Everyone has a story. I want to hear yours!  Let us,

Go forth and prosper,

Molinda Sue

Monday’s Menu

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Monday’s Momentum Menu

Monday Momentum:  strength or force gained by motion or by a series of events, eg   The ice pic  gained momentum as it rolled down the hill.

Horrible events happened at the house Sunday.  I take full responsibility for the results of the day.  I did not go to church. I should have. I did not take my granddaughter swimming like I promised. I should have.

I did chip ice from the steps, very physical as some of the ice was 4 inches deep. I should have done that Saturday. A heavy ice chipper slid down the hill, curved and landed on my foot. It hurt!

I made my son angry. Oops,  I cannot make him angry. He chose to be angry.

Sunday screamed for a change.  Have you ever felt like it was time for a change?

On Excellent Avenue, my behavior was unacceptable. Sunday is over, reviewed and forgiven.  Forcing action for today generates the momentum for this week.

Let’s share a success menu.  For food, remember we are doing Keto. Weight Watchers will happen as soon as I get my body detoxed.

First on my Menu:   Appetizer — Keep commitments, avoid the awful feeling described above!  Enjoy peace, harmony and share joy!

Breakfast:  Protein shake

Lunch: Mixed Green Salad with a sliced hard-boiled egg and sugar-free dressing.

Tuesday Dinner:  new recipe from KETO comfort foods by Maria Emmerich.

Shredded Amish Chicken and Gravy

  1. 6 boneless chicken thighs

  2. 1 cup chicken bone broth

  3. 1 8 oz package cream cheese

  4. 1 tablespoon poultry seasoning

  5. 1 teaspoon ground black pepper

  6. Fresh herbs of choice such as thyme for garnish

Serve with:

Roasted Brussels Sprouts with sliced Avocado

Lemon Iced Water

prep time 5 minutes, cook time 6 hours

)ill.

Horrible events happened at the house Sunday.  I take full responsibility for the results of the day.  I did not go to church. I should have. I did not take my granddaughter swimming like I promised. I should have.

I did chip ice from the steps, very physical as some of the ice was 4 inches deep. I should have done that Saturday. A heavy ice chipper slid down the hill, curved and landed on my foot. It hurt!

I made my son angry. Oops,  I cannot make him angry. He chose to be angry.

Sunday screamed for a change.  Have you ever felt like it was time for a change?

On Excellent Avenue, my behavior was unacceptable. Sunday is over, reviewed and forgiven.  Forcing action for today generates the momentum for this week.

Let’s share a success menu.  For food, remember we are doing Keto. Weight Watchers will happen as soon as I get my body detoxed.

First on my Menu:   Appetizer — Keep commitments, avoid the awful feeling described above!  Enjoy peace, harmony and share joy!

Breakfast:  Protein shake

Lunch: Mixed Green Salad with a sliced hard-boiled egg and sugar-free dressing.

Tuesday Dinner:  new recipe from KETO comfort foods by Maria Emmerich.

Shredded Amish Chicken and Gravy

  1. 6 boneless chicken thighs

  2. 1 cup chicken bone broth

  3. 1 8 oz package cream cheese

  4. 1 tablespoon poultry seasoning

  5. 1 teaspoon ground black pepper

  6. Fresh herbs of choice such as thyme for garnish

Serve with:

Roasted Brussels Sprouts with sliced Avocado

Lemon Iced Water

prep time 5 minutes, cook time 6 hours

  1. Place chicken thighs in a 4 quart slow cooker. Combine the broth, cream cheese, poultry seasoning and pepper in a blender and puree until smooth.  Add the blended mixture to the slow cooker. Cover and cook on low for 6 hours or until the chicken falls apart easily.  Shred the meet with 2 forks and stir into the gravy.  Taste and add salt if desired.

  2. Store extras in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 3 days.

I will give an honest review and note any changes next Monday.  We will share another recipe. If you are doing Keto, please share a recipe with me.

It’s time to roll into Tuesday and

go forth and prosper

Molinda Sue

Keto or Paleo for Dinner Menu?

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Monday’s menu was supposed be a written and posted  February 19th. The weekend prior to the 19th, I researched, read, and generated thousands of thoughts before committing. Monday, the menu was not ready.  Today is Friday and I am completing this post. Remember, Friday is Finish Day.

If I were good with this communication, I would have shared a ton of questions and asked for encouragement.  Instead, I struggled. My Second issue  was technical.  In my head, I could see the way I want this to look and read.  From my head to my fingers it did not compute. I am in the messy middle of a learning process.

Finally, I selected the Ketogenic diet. Dr. Mark Sisson suggests the 21 day step down diet to Keto.

Recipes  I am using   this week are from Maria Emmerich’s book, Keto Comfort Foods.  I ordered The Keto Reset Diet by Mark Sisson.  I  read his blog, testimonials and for me the reset diet right.  It is a 21 day step down from my “normal” eating patterns.

The past two months I refrained from sugar with every meal, ate very little bread and did not drink  Sodas. Deleting these items will be a great boost going forward.

I am  Excited and looking forward with anticipation to  health improvements, energy and improved skin and hair!

This weekend I will complete the grocery shopping list for this month.  Changing foods will not be as expensive if daily trips to the grocery store are avoided.  Monday should be good for sharing the list with you!

Tonight we had Cabbage soup made with:

  • 1 Large Head of Cabbage

  • 1 Large Onion Sliced

  • 1 Stalk of Celery

  • 2 quarts of chicken broth

  • Salt

  • Black Pepper

  • Chunked Bacon Bits

Fry the Bacon Bits Slowly in Olive Oil.  Add sliced onion and  2 table spoons of  butter.  Add the remaining ingredients and simmer for 45 minutes.

go forth and prosper,

I will go forth and write…haha

Molinda Sue

 

Finish it Friday!

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Friday

Words, a word, written words, vocal words,  my 500 words…my focus last year.  My salvation was writing 500 words each day.  I made a commitment  to Jeff Goins and the writing group.

Writing  500 words daily was medicine for my soul, a purging of my brain, a recognition for good things in life. I documented my plans and results for 2017.

Jeff offered a writing prompt each day. Once he suggested we write our Eulogy.  Another time he suggested we write about Fear.

I tried to write my Eulogy. I was stuck….like a business that was born, grew, bloomed and withered on the path…I felt withered so postponed writing my eulogy…Writing and talking to others inspired me to do something with the Eulogy that I will share later.

I wrote about fear, it unraveled like a faded ball of yarn….many different colors.  I wrote and I cried. I shared. Cried many tears and wrote many words until I was sure I conquered fear.

Starting 2018, I did the after action review of 2017 and I gave thanks for the things accomplished.  I am thankful I recognize  the hidden despair, disguised in pretty words, hidden fears….restrictions stated as fact  and not true at all. This form of denial has been my mask for years.  Last year was an improvement but fear definitely prevented some success.

Here on Excellent avenue, the snow is falling. God must be emptying the heavens!  It is beautiful.  Why does it remind me of the prompt to write about fear?

How on earth could snow make my stomach churn, my spirit dampen, generate this  awful forlorn feeling?  Fear.  Thoughts of:  I can’t get out, may fall and break my ankle again, can’t drive my  car, can’t go get groceries..

The word Can’t controlled my mind for hours.  Why couldn’t I get out?  Why couldn’t I drive.  Remember, when we lose our Why, we lose our way. My Why?  I was Afraid. Also, I was miserable, felt stuck, lots of negative thoughts.  So, I made a list of things I will not Tolerate this year….

Revelation,  writing the action steps to conquer fear doesn’t change anything.  Action is required.  My list of Will not Tolerate, transforms to goals to eliminate the intolerable, and plans to implement. Many things I listed not to tolerate had a control button called Fear.

For a list of the things I will not Tolerate this year….check out the post this coming Thursday!….   Fear doesn’t live on Excellent Avenue. Moving to the new address means filling my body, mind and soul with happy things.

New Inspiration……MTWTFSS…..you guessed it …first letter of the day of the week. These are my new writing prompts and the outline for my blog.   Using the first letter of each day, I made a list of 30 most important words that begin with the days first. letter.  Google the important words for a letter.  It’s fun!  Two words chosen from today’s list  are Fear and Finished.

Get this!  We have snow….lots of snow.  It is so cold here 11 degrees is a heat wave to me.  I am not a cold weather girl. I digested the word cold makes me hurt, sad but true…..

Existing  in a tiny basement apartment and looking outside at the cold deep fluffy blanket of snow,  I put some treads on my shoes and out I went…. shoveled snow! No room for Fear of Falling, shoveling, .. Yelp,  I did it  and I physically felt great afterward!

I shoveled so I could get my car out…. shoveled and shoveled. Then, I came inside turned the heating pad on and waited to hurt.  No pain!

My adrenaline was flowing. My son came home and we rode out to the store.  Oh my goodness,  the roads were clear…mostly, I could have driven my car…..Just the 125 feet of the drive leading out to the street was atrocious.  Standing at the beginning of the driveway, I couldn’t see the main street.  I looked; I was Afraid…..Fear,  get out of my life…everything I want is on the other side of fear.

My second word for Friday is Finished.    Somewhere around 3:00 pm will do an after action view of the weeks accomplishments.  At the end of the day,  work will be Finished and I can look forward to relaxing and Fun activities for the weekend.  Lots of words will make up Friday’s.  Finished is a staple word reminding me not to procrastinate.

Monday’s theme is Menu….You know, I moved and this new place is stocked with different things.  Menu for life, God, eating, …traveling…..So Monday come and meet my new healthy food menu!  See you there…… I have lost 3 pounds this week!  Let me share with you .

go forth and prosper

Molinda Sue

Thank you Jeff Goins, thank you writing friends you are on my gratitude list daily!

Tuesday

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Tuesday

Monday was filled with trouble, woe and paperwork.

Victory arrived this morning.  God spoke to me. Now, God, how do I implement your message?  I am listening.

I will share with you when I have the answer.

Two letters must be mailed today.  One is the rent for the storage unit that is home to my personal belongings. The second one is a payment on a sizeable bill from the past.  Done! Thank you God for financial advancement.

Fun this evening will be attending the Christmas Program for Eliana’s 4th grade class.  In my goal plan, this is family time.  I love this picture of my son Kris and Eliana at her event.

 

 

 

 Another activity happened for the little house project today.  A friend called and invited me  to go see a little house   in Lockwood, Mt.    I went, mostly to enjoy her company.  Gee, I got a bonus!  I loved the tiny little house and the small houses this man is building.  You may visit virtually by watching the video below.

This was a fun and productive day. It’s a clear cut path to…..

go forth and prosper,

Molinda Sue

Halloween! The Sun Sets on October

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Say So Long, October

As the sun sets on this day, I  rejoice God gave me another day on this planet.  Today, is filled with wonderful memories, my son was born on October 31!  His brothers were upset because it spoiled their Halloween plans.

My sister’s birthday was also on October 31.  October’s Bright Blue Weather, a beautiful poem gently flows through my memory.  Outside the bare trees look down on the ground where their leaves lay.  The trees sway in the wind, preparing to hibernate for the winter.

Brrr….I have reset my mind to adjust to winter.  Remembering the snows in Kentucky,  where I played outside until my feet were numb and breathed in the cold wet air.  If I am destined to spend the winter here,  I will do so with joy in my soul.

Hello November

Welcome November.  My Verb for November is  Thank You!   Yelp, here it is used as a verb with the subject implied…I thank you.   You will see  a Lot of Thank You’s  in the month of November.

Thanksgiving greets us toward the end of the month. Remember to share with one needy family.

One more thing to share…..God has Restored my Song. Not only will I give Thanks, but I plan to sing many songs during November!

It’s 6:50 p.m. Time for me to say goodnight.

I will launch my online store  during November. Please look forward to and share my first November, Thank you in the morning!

What are you doing special in the month of November?

go forth and prosper,

Molinda Sue

 

Parkinson’s from a Mothers Heart

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The content  for this post is taken from a daily journal I started this year. Writing is my therapy. Sentences following were cautiously selected . Some of my notes were too painful to share. The ache comes from my soul, the smiles from my outside voice.  My son has Parkinson’s.

I feel  God told me to share my story with Dr.XXXXXX.  What? Little old me….when there are thousands of Mothers, women,men….with this story and perhaps their story would make a bigger impact than mine….

No….I just need to tell this Dr….perhaps he needs to know,  perhaps he can suggest a way to keep my heart from breaking, so I write him this letter…(it’s never mailed)

I went to a therapist earlier this year…thinking she had some magical words to fix my emotions.  After all…I only have a mothers feelings. It is my son who is physically suffering.  She couldn’t help.  She hugged me, cried and said I don’t know an answer.

June, 2017…My Darling Lynn….. in Franklin I watched my son lay down for a power nap on the couch in a room adjacent to the stage.  He fell into a light sleep……

Lynn….his wife….dear Lynn   she looked at him sleeping and her compassion ripped through my emotions so much love it was tangible…..I wondered what her thoughts were but her expression was kind,loving, maybe full of apprehension or wishing he didn’t feel the call to work to share his message…….  I do know, I saw the love in her eyes and felt her love for my son.  I am so blessed to have Lynn in my life.  This family is so blessed to have Lynn .

July…2017 I only know this morning my tears as I write this flow like the small stream outback.

Why?  God Why?  Why Ray?  …..well to answer my question then who should it be?

I would take his pain……his apprehension  could I bear his thoughts?  How can I help..  I must help…How…I don’t know How and I feel lost.

July 19,  2017  What part of me is still a Mother?  What does a mother do?  Pray….I need to remember to pray and pray.

I am in pain….more pain than I have ever experienced on a constant basis in my life.  Oh….when Ray was born, that was a new painful experience.  For 3 days….I was in labor, low in my back.  Then, they thought it was “normal” for a woman to travail. Family members took turns rubbing my back. He was a Big baby ….I was a little person…By today’s standards he would have been a c section….Not then.  Delivered with forceps.

I hurt…I hurt the pain was so bad, but I knew it would end and I would have a real live baby,    I knew the pain would stop….

It did…..I had the most precious bundle of joy ever…..NOW….did the forceps do damage that caused the Parkinsons?  Did the water at Camp LeJeune cause the Parkinson’s?  Am I in some unknown way responsible for Parkinson’s?

I can’t fix Parkinson’s.  I think of Lynn…..do I relate to her since I have really endured some tough things in life?  What does she think, feel, hope?

I would take his pain……his apprehension  could I bear his thoughts?  How can I help..  I must help…How?

My son has Parkinson’s   Can I tell him how to get well?  Nope,  Can I give him money?  Nope, don’t have it.  Can I live close and “make” him, them happy or happier?  Nope.

I wake up and need to go to the bathroom. I dread to move so bad…knowing each of the 32 steps I take will make me feel like the bones in my foot are breaking…..One pain, I have called a bone is probably a nerve. Tears roll.  I have a high pain tolerance. This is more than I can bear without tears.  I attempt a step….and think of Ray.

I think of a visit to  Ray’s house.  Lynn needed help with the dog and he attempted to run down the hall way….I SAW his struggle   It felt like someone was raking a fork through my heart  shredding it beyond repair.  I saw and felt his pain, frustration, maybe fear. I scurried to the guest room and cried. Visions of me and Ray when we could run…stomp, dance…I cried for what used to be. What I wanted to do was make him small, hold him and make it all better.

I am still the lying Queen of Denial…..I Cannot Accept Parkinson’s…I hate it….I will pretend it isn’t real and face the day and facebook with a smile.

I feel joy…it’s all okay.

He appears to be coping with the disease that  somewhat restricts him. I am coping with being at an age when some members of my family died and also others lived for another 35 years………..Hmmmm…..

Joy….I am so excited. I will be going to the team meeting in California in November just before Thanksgiving.  I almost declined.  I just know it’s an answer to prayer.  Sometime there, I will be able to talk to him and Lynn and Sean and tell them about the love in my heart.  It will be a joyful meeting.  I can for a few minutes tell them I hate Parkinson’s every minute of the day  I hate it with the constant restriction of my foot…I hate it hate it….Oh…maybe I shouldn’t go….Ray leads with enthusiasm and positive thoughts.   Hate isn’t positive.  I am Going!

An answer from God for me is:  The joy of the Lord is my strength.  The world needs Joy….Happiness is different.  with Joy there is peace and peace I take with me to California…..

Joy, joy, I look forward to California. Presently, my mind spins in turmoil.

Ray, I want to relive his childhood….What would I do different?  I would never let him out of my sight.   I would protect him as in a bubble,  how silly is that……Drawing from my memories….  I wanted him to win the spelling bee. He did.  I wanted him to win the speech contest in High School and he did….went to the next level and his class mate hung out the window of my car screaming for Ray as we rode to the next event…..I wouldn’t change the competition.    I traveled with him and his teacher to DC to compete…..yes Mama needed to go along…. my heart almost burst with pride. Oh, the little Theatre in Middlesboro……meeting Lynn for the first time…their wedding…..no if I had not been the role I played he wouldn’t be in his.

The first time he learned to float in Myrtle Beach South Carolina……It was our first family vacation…I was so excited although we lived 20 minutes from Onslow beach, we were going on vacation!   I was pregnant….Ray and Mark were excited.   We got there and realized we had forgotten to load our suitcase….only the clothes we had were on our back.    Don’t remember where we found bargain clothes, but I do remember crying and some woman asking me why….I told her and she laughed. She shared:

It was her first time to the beach with her husband of several years and they had gone out into the ocean to play…his teeth washed away…..And she found humor….so special. Another lady there taught him to float……………..Precious memories.

His first flight alone on a jet………………go Ray go  and the pilots name was Ray Edwards……………..I think he was 12.

No….I don’t know all the special memories he has  but I sure have plenty….memory of conflict too.   He always wanted to run away….did 2 or 3 times…why?  I don’t really know but I take full responsibility….It was and is what it is…… did not cause the Parkinson’s…………………….

He played the role of the Angel on the Step latter…when he was 12. Such a sweet little angel.

I do wish I could have relaxed more…..just enjoyed being with my boys instead of feeling I needed to make more money…do more,  go to school, have the perfect house.

Noon!  July 26

Watched my handsome son on Facebook live….He is beautiful to me Did you know men are beautiful?  When he was born my biological father was there and he declared to everyone present,  all 21 members of the family that Ray had the head of a President and would lead the country one day… Several smiled. My half brother didn’t….but Kell, said,   Just you wait and see……I see it happening now. He is a gifted, called man of God, leading others to Christ and sharing with everyone teachings to provide for themselves and family

Was I was a good mother? I tried.  It’s nice when people say…..That’s Your Son?  You must feel so Proud. I feel humbled and amazed that you survived me and found your role in life, a wonderful wife and even more……an incredible Son!

I find myself almost consumed with the hidden denial that things aren’t “normal” with you.  Sometimes on the phone, your voice is a bit weak. Once or twice I noticed it was a struggle to coordinate the eating utensils..I pray my expressions doesn’t make you uncomfortable.  My heart cries inside and I want you and Lynn to hear it, to know that I realize you all have a mountain to climb.  I will always be a phone call away if I can help.

Sometimes, I want to call sharing happy news from your brothers, from Soleil or Eliana….or that someone in the family is ill and I think this isn’t a good time.

In this public post I want to acknowledge, the journal is filled with notes about other family members, a couple of friends who shared my thoughts.  I love and appreciate each one of them.  I am proud they are part of my life!

Wish List…..my notes are filled with statements of wishes…wishing I could be transparent and you could See and Feel what I feel….had planned to attempt to share in California…..I am sharing now and Thank You for your recent podcast

The truth about Parkinsons

I have listened to this over and over.  First time, I had a total melt down. By the third time, I felt a release.  I love you just the way you are.  Yes, I still want to fix it. I can’t.  Thank you for being you, for being transparent, for being honest.  Know as long as I live I am a phone call away if I can ever to anything to make life easier.

Your honesty has opened my heart to say keep running your Race Son, you are a Winner!  I love you just the way you are and I love you just the way you will be. Hope you will love me just as much when I am old, wrinkled and perhaps cranky!

A President is a leader, loved and hated respected and feared. As Ray delivers Gods message, I believe he invokes all these reactions.

This picture of me and Ray was taken in Franklin, Tennessee.

I have read the draft for this post several times and deleted many statements. It would have been too long. Many  statements included other family members. .   This note is about Ray.  This note is about me.  It is for other Mothers facing challenges in their  lives they can’t fix.

These shared thoughts aren’t in order.  Forgive me, you must skip around. It’s life. I will help Ray by helping others with Parkinson’s who live near me.  This is the seed I sow and I know if Ray and Lynn need help, it will sprout near them and someone if not me will be there to help. For now, whatever state of health, mind or location we are in…

go forth and prosper,

Molinda Sue

 

Notes here are mostly verbatim from my journal this year. In December the journal will convert to a book…perhaps for the family, perhaps for public.  We, each have a story.  My feelings may not align with your story or vision of my life. It is written in truth as I see it today.

 

 

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